13.07.17

A letter he told me to write. A letter to express my love for him. I am tired of the words now it seems. What must I say? A letter filled with words. All words dark, with black ink. Staining the paper. Words are black no matter how sweet they are. The ink always stains the paper no matter how much it clothes the paper. I am sad, broken and hurt again. No it isn’t about anything related to love. I have forgotten that so very long ago. It is as though no matter what I do I have stained peoples minds with darkness of my past. I will stain everything. I am unstoppable. Raging within myself I have broken my own walls. I broken myself and have assumed myself to be of godly. How shameful it is? How do my eyes endure the disgrace of my vainess. I come alive as though I am limitless. The pain in my mind and body breaks me so much. You will never know difficulties I sail with. My ship has sunk but my sail is still floating on the deep blue water. 

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02.06.2017

What shades of love has brought for me by attaching myself to you? 

Your image is black and white yet my heart fills itself with the vibrancy of your love. 

What is the religion of love? Or is love just a notion respected by religion? 

If I couldn’t bow before god how must it be that the heart wants to bow before you?

 Love is the culprit of the soul that has lost god.

Do I want you before god? How so hypocritical of me to cry to god when you leave me in shades of black and white. 

My lips won’t utter a single word of complaint if you were near me. 

Be my romeo. Be the cloth that covers me. I shall be your juliet. I will be the body you drape yourself around. 

The curves of my lips are for you. The brushes of  my eyelashes are borders of the waterfall for you. 

You’ve left an imprint of your love on the land of my heart. You’ve turned a drop of water into a sea.

Without you I am without indentity. I’ve draped myself in the whiteness that leaves me lifeless without you.

01.06.2017

Red roses in the rain.

Swaying slightly but not completely.

You’d think the storm would destroy them.

They hung close to their prickly thorns.

A hand swaying by to endanger their existence.

The thorns become pricklier, to prick the hand that pricks their existence. 

Alas. The hand cuts past the thorns and takes the dead rose. It has died already. The only prettiness it will regain is the shroud of the vase it will sit in. Till its of no use. 

It wasn’t that its thorns were not sharp enough. Some roses die. No matter what yields as their shield. Even if they dress themselves in thorns. 

31.05.2017

Here I write the pain that clogs up my heart. The burden of my wings falls on my spine. I cannot lift myself in darkness. Today I fall under the stars. Darkness luminates around them. Just as the light burns around the sun. I sit and stare. What have I done? Never did I once think I’d make it here. The condition is not so well and the times are not so good. I feed myself simple sympathy. My arrogance crushed and my pride lost many miles behind. With little dignity I am crawling my way through life. Self-suffiency is unknown to me. Gratification…must I show gratification for my weak plight? 

I feel so lost. I’ve lost my direction. Nobody left to guide me. Tears roll down my eyes as I write this. When must I find happiness? Its as though happiness is also a compromise life makes. Show me not my faults for my faults and I have become very well acquainted. Show me not my place as I’ve not moved for many seasons. Winter and summer I cannot distinguish between the both. Both hurt my troubled soul. One with its wrath and heat and other with its cold bitter truth.

So here I am, laying in the darkness. Its Ramadan. I fast for 19 hours. Whilst working too. I had a 10 hour shift on Sunday and I completely knocked out on the London underground. I am taking up some extra shifts to save some cash for a new wardrobe and new curtains and a new desk for my room. Summer clean out. Its difficult to work. I am tired of working. But its part of life. I must work. 

Recently things have not been so well. My father cheated on my mother. Who in return forgave that lying cheating man. He disowned me again. It doesn’t hurt anymore. Today he refused to do iftar with me. Iftar is the time when we break our fast. So basically dinner. Its supposed to be a time when the family sit down together and enjoy and break their fast together. Special. Not so special for me. He despises me. He wishes me dead. He keeps praying that I am never successful. Nothing upsets me more than this. I can’t I just can’t deal with men like him. I’ve started to dislike men. He hurt my mother verbally. So I spoke up on her behalf. And even whilst speaking up for her I remained in my limits. I did not shout nor raise my voice. I talked to him kindly because of the religion I follow. Parents deserve respect no matter what. 

He is in no position to hate me. He is lucky my mother forgave him. I’ve never seen a woman do that. I don’t want a man in my life like my father. I pray no mother has a son like him. No wife has a husband like him. No daughter has a father like him. He has hurt me. A lot. He has hurt my mother. 

I’ve begun to dislike him to an extent that in future I shall never ever talk about him unless its necessary. 

The only good news I’ve received is that in my dissertation paper regarding contactless payment I’ve got 90/100. You’ve no idea how much my grades mean to me. My independence my freedom will be only because of my grades. I want an excellent career. I want to show my father his prayers for my failure did not work. 

So my plans as to graduate as a business analyst next year. I’m studying BSc Business information Systems. Next year is my third year. Once that is complete the following September after my graduation I will be studying graduate law diploma. My dream is to become a lawyer. Already seeking some law work experience. Once I am a lawyer I will be the most happiest person on this planet.

I hopefully things turn out great. 

12.05.2017

I am currently awake to revise for my exam but I give up. I find that I remember almost everything taught in lectures and labs simply because I had such a wonderful professor teaching me. Aside from the exam, I have found out that in my module which is named as ‘Decision Support Systems’ I have achieved 93% overall. For ‘Database design’ ┬áthere are three assignments in which for two I have achieved 86/100 and 90/100. The last assignment was a group work which involved creating a website, which I have presented and created on my own. Simply because the partner I shared the group work with; has no clue how to program.

For the module ‘IS and Analysis’ I am a bit concerned. I have an exam on Monday for this module which will determine what I result in. For Research I have scored 85/100. My grades are decent though I pray I get a first class overall. This is since I want to study Graduate Law Diploma at London School of Economics. I pray I achieve 1st class overall.

I have recently made one accomplishment; I have become a Student Learning Assistant at my university. Which means I shall teach students how to create databases and how to query data using SQL. Loads of technical rubbish being poured into this blogpost which doesn’t concern my readers one bit.

My blog posts are so personal. They’re the random embarrassing thoughts one must make the heart and mine consume.

Forget university, here’s something interestingly stupid. Again, doesn’t concern anyone here.

I was fifteen when I first met this guy online. I know, so pathetic. So we started speaking online, and then we decided to meet one another. We instantly liked one another online hence we decided to meet. He was a student from Pakistan, studying at a university in London. So we met at Waterloo station. I can still clearly picture him walking through the rushed and crowded lanes of waterloo road, with his phone near his ears and him smiling and setting his gaze’s upon every passer. His eyes searching for me. I found him in the depth of the crowd. I started to tease him on the phone saying I am at this place and made him walk there whilst I walked slowly behind him. So later, we met. And we were in a relationship for quite some time.

I still remember he would do extra shifts at work to earn enough to spend on me. Which I appreciated and never ever misused him for any materialistic things. I have always, had a firm grasp of being independent and paying for myself. I never allow the guy to pay if I do go on dates. Which is never lately. lol.

So I suddenly realised by the end of year 11, that I am a student. I am already in a sticky situation at home, how can I carry out a relationship and make promises to someone when I am myself adapting myself and moulding myself in to situations that are being thrown at me. So I wanted to break up. I broke up.

He cried. He was upset. He contacted all of my friends after I blocked him on all social media. Being a muslim he did not drink. Later, he started drinking. He started to lose himself completely. I felt utterly disgusted at myself for making him go through that but I felt like it had to be done. So on Wednesday I had my scan. It was at Waterloo station. As I came out of that station I pictured how I met him. The crowd. The traffic. His smile. The cheekiness of his smile. I felt like crying. I WANTED HIM BACK. But I had lost him a long time before.

So I just started contacting my friends who were in contact with him, they told me he left for Australia. I was shocked. They didn’t have his contact. I felt so disheartened and broken down. I made his happen. I ruined everything. I always do. So, I prayed and made dua (supplement) that God I am remembering him with all my heart. With the purest heart and I seek refuge in you to help me. Please help me find him. I just want to say I am sorry one last time for hurting him.

To my joy he contacted a friend the next day! GOSHHHH. And we got back in contact. He is in Sydney and he is working. He has changed so much yet his feelings for me are still the way they were when I first met him. I mean I feel like I shouldn’t have left but at the same time I feel like it’s good. I became focused on my education. I mean if I had wrong intentions at the time then perhaps we wouldn’t meet again. My focus was on education and it wasn’t something wrong. Or am I just justifying my wrong actions?

So moral of the story is, you will meet people even if they leave for the time being. I felt hurt when he first left but I mean I grew myself and he grew himself into the man he is now. We both had to earn different experiences. He is far. But I still have him. I still talk to him. He is still my support. We have decided to keep it at a friendship level, because I just don’t trust people. I don’t want a relationship. I just wanted to say sorry and so I have.

06.05.2017

I’ve been away for quite a while now. I don’t know what it is I’m trying to find from this cold crude world. I want to extract happiness from darkness. I’ve become so cold. It feels almost as though I’ve no heart, no joy in me. I feel satisfied all my assignments are complete. I’ve one exam on 15th. Then I’m a free bird. No exams. No stress. No assignments. No frustration. 

Tomorrow I have my scan at Waterloo. Hopefully things go well. I’ve been working so hard at work. I hardly get any time to myself. I really want to socialise but I’ve no time. I want to meet someone new. Someone who isn’t like me at all. I keep searching. 

A world full of people and I’m trying to find a friend. Ugh. 

I’ve nothing to say, I feel so empty. I just want, peace. 

07.04.17

If you’re a male you might feel disgusted by the next few paragraphs. Just warning. 

So my menstrual cycle has always been a terrible time of the month for me. I get excruciating pains, to a point when I cannot even stand up. My blood flow is so much, that’s due to losing a lot of red blood cells every month I’ve become anemic and lack in iron.

This has caused me to have cysts in my ovaries. In January I fainted whilst serving a customer at the till (part time student job at sainsburys). I woke up and found myself in a hospital. The doctor informed me that I have a cyst in my ovaries. From the tellings of the scan, I may not be able to conceive. 

Aside from this I am anemic and lack in iron which is the reason why I do not gain any weight. I faint normally if I miss any meal of the day.  I must ensure that at all times I have had food in my system and I am hydrated. 

I fainted whilst crossing the road once. Which was terrible. People thought I slipped, until I didn’t get up from the floor and laid there like a dead body. 

And today is the start of my menstrual cycle, and it is terrible. I couldn’t stand up in the morning. I couldn’t eat. I had pain allover my body. I had heater on. I had blankets. Yet I was freezing. Nothing is help me. I’ve been booked for an ultra sound which is due in sometime. I’ve been booked for a blood test again. 

Being a Muslim I am not allowed to fast as I faint. This year sadly I will not be fasting. 

Whilst at the doctors, my female doctor was planning to get my ultra sound done by placing something inside me up until I told her, hold on. I’m a frickin virgin. You’re not doing that to me. She was taken aback and she was awfully sorry. Then she arranged for a different type of method which won’t involve placing anything in me. 

Oh my gosh, I was freaking out. How is she going to do that painful technique on me. That was the biggest shock I’ve gotten. Thankfully there was another method. 

I would advise the readers of my blog, especially females. If you feel any pain, that makes you curl up in a ball and forgot about the world, then please get it checked out. Do not leave it like I did. Health comes first. Do not be careless regarding your health. 

We

We came here to look for happiness, 

Yet sadness left us deprived of peace, 

We became helpless to the extent that we forgot, our on blood relations, 

We became so lonely we forgot our own image, 

We became so misguided, we did what we were not supposed to do, 

We have cried and laughed through it all, 

We are yet still unsure of where we are going. 

06.04.17

So I’ve deleted every app I was in use of. This is because I have an exam on May the 15th. The exam is based on UML skimatic models, quite easy yet very difficult at the same time. Depending on the type of system you’re going to be designing. The workload is strenuous and I feel overwhelmed by it all. 

I have to create an e-commerce website in HTML, whilst using the SQL (Structured-Query language) to create the database. Of course my friends from computer science are geniuses and are giving me tips on the little bits and bobs I could add to enhance my website even further. 

The only issue I am having is adding a basket to the website, the database seems like such a labourious piece of work. Clearly I am not bothered to save pictures of glasses from specsavers website. 

Aside from this uni talk, I’ve successfully landed myself in a breakup with my boyfriend. Well, he’s an ex now. My ex is a ‘guy’ who holds double standards and I simply won’t take the stress. I’ve loads of stress already. So it’s a happily ever after for me, as I’ve been going out a lot with my friends recently. I’ve enjoyed the company of positive people. I’ve enjoyed the company of people who help me to become a better person. 

And my friends are activately trying to hook me up with other people, just to cheer me up. But really they’ve no idea how much I despise relationships. 

I am the sort of person, if something doesn’t go well for me I will not do it again. Yet in this relationship I kept trying to make it work. Keeping my loyalty and his wishes as priority, yet not completely coming to understand that ‘what’s in it for me?’. 

I mean does the other person even give me the loyalty I give him? Does the other person priotise me? And the answer is no. 

My ex was talking to two girls, offering them time and chatting to them as though he had no girlfriend. I got a hold of his phone on Monday whilst we were chatting, instantly he tried to change the topic to lure me away from the phone. And I read what he had been getting up to, he had also been deleting chats. I mean coming from a computer science background, does he really think I’m dumb enough to think if he resets and erases all his WhatsApp chats, every chat would remain aside from one girls? Her chat is the only one deleted? Many of his messages were deleted. 

I felt really hurt. I felt really upset. I didn’t know how I’d been so stupid to trust a guy. I felt I was stupid. The most stupid person on earth. I blamed myself. I am much too naive. I wanted to slap myself. So in anger I mentioned my other ex to him. I said to him I left my ex because I felt he was too possessive, but even he kept his loyalty. A trait you do not possess. 

And this made him angry, we kept arguing on WhatsApp. Until I gave up and said we need to break up. His language was so vile. I really didn’t care at that moment. His loyalty cannot be guaranteed. I needed someone loyal. And now I do not need anyone’s loyalty. The loyalty you can expect in this world is from yourself. The only respect you can earn is your own respect to yourself. The only time you can give is your own time to yourself. 

And I learned these lessons very late. 

But now I am happy. Happy knowing I did learn something. I won’t negativity encompass itself in my future. My ambitions, my life, will turn out good. Someday. 

I am quite happy, but for how long?  

04.03.17

I’ve laughed way too much today. It feels as if I’m living again. The sadness has washed away, and the emptiness is no longer there. I feel full of life. I want to smile. I want to be happy. I no longer want to keep steadfast upon misery. My steps shall be towards the righteous and positive acts which revive the laughter in me. I am no longer lost. Oh, I wish I had someone to share my happiness with. I feel content. This is the most positive I’ve felt in weeks. Praise be to god. This is all his doing. Lord of the masjetic throne, who bestowed me with calamity yet rained me with happiness. Ahh, my words make no sense, I speak riddles. I want to leave everything that makes me upset. Everything that makes me upset. I want peace. I want to be free.